Wrong.

How do I describe my last few months? Changed. Different. Heart breaking. Wrong. Lots of words come to mind. None really seem to fit yet they all fit perfectly. I've been stronger than I have ever been before, but weaker at the same time. I have been so blessed to have family and friends that have surrounded me in this upheaval. I couldn't ask for a better support system.

However, this mess has also caused my stubborn independent streak to blaze to life. With a vengeance. It has been so hard to accept other people's help. I know I'm not receiving handouts, but I don't want to be that single mother who can't provide for her beautiful daughter on her own. I want to give her everything she ever wanted. I want her to have her own room. I want her to have those Barbies and monster trucks to play with. I want her to go to sleep and dream of Dora and Super Why and Lightning McQueen.  And I want to do it on my own. I don't know why. I just do. It's who I am. I know, I'm supposed to accept people's help graciously. And I do, I think. I guess I just don't want to be in this situation where I need people's help. Remember that independent streak? Yeah. Burning like the sun.

This isn't what I wanted for my baby.  She's so young. She can't understand why Mommy cries every now and then. Why her Daddy can't come home. Why she has to draw pictures to send him and that she can't just show him the picture she drew for him on her Etch-a-Sketch. Where is the white-picket fence around the front yard where she plays and plays and plays? Where are the Mommy and Daddy sitting around the table at dinner time discussing her day at school with her? Those were my dreams for her. Those broken, shattered dreams.

But I will continue to do my best for her. I will stay strong for her. I will finish school for her. I'm so stinking close, I can taste it. I will scrimp and save and make my lunch every day so we can once again have a place of our own. So she can have her own bedroom. So she can have that front yard. So she can sleep peacefully knowing that Mommy and Daddy love her more than anything. I will create new dreams for her. This is just the beginning.